Independent Thoughts

I’ve been very tired for much of the day. I drug myself out of bed this morning, but I really didn’t want to. I’m not sure if it’s my new medication making me this tired, but if it is, that’s all it’s doing. It’s been three weeks, and it hasn’t made me feel any different. Maybe it’s that I’ve been sick, but I don’t really feel sick anymore. Just drained, lifeless, as though something is feeding off of my life force, sucking out every drop of energy I may have. Maybe it’s that my life is going at somewhat of a slower pace these days. Anytime I slow down, my body does, too.

I got a lot done today though. Mostly things for the house - grocery shopping, errands, housework, laundry. But I feel like I haven’t done anything. I barely took a shower today, basically just rinsed off. I didn’t do my hair, opting instead to throw it into a terribly messy bun. I chose not to put on makeup, because I really just didn’t want to.

My sister told me this morning that I don’t have to put an effort into looking pretty. She says I’m gorgeous without makeup, that I can wear scrubs and look good. I told her I’m funny-looking. I don’t feel pretty, and that’s a daily feeling. I don’t think I need to try, because I don’t really care how I look. But I feel like if I look decent, I’ll feel somewhat decent.

I had a lot of strangers talk to me today. More than usual. I look like a schoolteacher. Brownish button-up pencil skirt. Colorless sweater set. Glasses. No makeup, no hairstyle. But a lot of men talked to me today. More than usual. It’s strange that on days I feel the least pretty, least like talking to anyone, more people seem to talk to me. It’s like the cosmos are trying to tell me not to be so down on myself.

I went to the funeral home first thing this morning. Barefoot and in my pajamas. I had literally just rolled out of bed and got a phone call that we were supposed to pick up the death certificate two hours earlier. I came home, quickly got ready. No, not ready, just barely presentable. I had errands to run, like I said, and had to go shopping. After leaving the first store, I was followed by an older man in a van to the stoplight. He pulled alongside of me, motioning for me to unroll the window. The last time something like that happened, someone told me my tail-light was out. So, I unrolled the window.

Him: “Do you work at the airport?”

Me: “No.”

Him: “Do you know Dave Kelly?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Him: “Oh, you must have a twin.”

Me: “Well, they say we all have a twin out there somewhere.”

I smile and begin to roll the window back up, but his voice stops me.

Him: “Is your birthday in March?”

This guy really isn’t going to shut up. Why isn’t the light changing?

Me: “No.”

Him: “When’s your birthday?”

Me: “December.”

Him: “December what?”

Me: “26th”

Him: “An independent Capricorn!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s me”

Him: “Are you in love?”

Me: “Um…”

Him: “I didn’t think so! Independent, like I said!”

I laughed and drove away, as the light had finally changed. He went right. I went left. Yet a few miles down, after making a left on a different street, he pulled up alongside me at another light, as if he’d turned back around to follow me. He tried talking to me again. I still had my window open. He asked how old I was, and when I told him, he said I look and sound much older. He was probably mid-fifties, at least. But, like I said, I look like probably a thirty year old schoolteacher today.

At the store, there was this guy that seemed to be everywhere I was. He said hi to me three times, but I have no idea who he was. At one point, he was talking to someone else, and I know they were talking about me. When I had first walked past them, he told the other to “check me out.” I noticed at least two other guys doing the same, and I thought it was really strange, because I don’t think I’m something to check out.

Still, it kind of makes me wonder. If I can look good on a day I feel like shit, a day I’m so exhausted I don’t get ready, a day I think I look funnier than usual, maybe I’m not so funny-looking after all. I still think it. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but just… different. Even still, it’s interesting to know not everyone agrees.