Seeing as I am literally sick and tired, I should be sleeping. Instead, I am sitting alone in the darkness, recalling an old recurring dream I had quite frequently as a child. I couldn’t have been more than five or six, because I remember where I was living at the time. I had mostly dark dreams as a child. I was twisted and damaged at even such a young age. This dream, though, it was the worst. It has haunted me ever since.

I never knew who the attacker was, never saw a face, but I was certain it was someone I knew and was close to. Even more likely, it was someone inside the house. All I saw was the flash of silver, metal reflecting the moonlight like a bolt of lightning moving towards me. Confusion could not even turn to terror before I could feel it. Cold steel, plunging through my flesh, tearing at the writhing, pulsing pulpy ball of muscle below.

I wished so desperately for it to end. I wished so desperately for death, sweet death to come to me, to relieve me of this never-ending pain… But Death never came.

The worst part was not the feeling, even though I could actually feel the pain in my chest when I would jerk awake - heart racing, breathing heavy; frantic, scared and always alone. The worst part was not knowing. Never knowing, never seeing a face.

I knew it was a warning. “Protect your heart.” I just didn’t know who to protect it from. I didn’t know who was the enemy and who was a friend. So, I built walls for them all. I did the best I could to prevent it. I locked my doors, bolted my windows, and slept with something over my heart. In time, I realized that it wasn’t always physical, protecting your heart.

To this day, I still remember that feeling. I was just a scared little girl, waking up alone in her bed, wondering why it hadn’t really happened and secretly wishing it would, while still feeling terror at the fact that I would never know who did it. To this day, I still wonder who it could have been. Still, I hear echoes in the night. “Protect the heart.”

Always, it was, “Protect the heart.”

I never stopped, and I don’t know that I ever will.